Tough Truths
The Hardest Person To Admit Difficult Things To Is Usually Yourself
This is from my Substack. Follow me there at revolutionwithin31.
Hi, I’m Dana, and I’m a recovering people-pleaser. (Hi, Dana.)
Yeah, that’s not something most of us are too afraid to admit these days, though, is it? Almost everyone is over-extended in one way, shape, or form (or several), juggling a dozen things just to keep the lights on or the dog fed or the plants watered.
It might even be a sort of badge of honor to some. “You think YOU’RE stressed out?!? I’M SOOO much more stressed out than YOU are!!”
Because that’s something we want to compete over. Seeexxxxxxxy.
Well, I’ll tell you this…y’all are probably beating me by miles in the over-scheduled department these days. Since my focus has been almost entirely on growing my business for the past four months, I’ve barely left my house.
Now that’s not to say that I haven’t been prone to putting enormous amounts of pressure on myself to produce loads of content, create a huge following/email list and become wildly successful in that time. (That’s how long it takes, right? Four months? That’s what all of those ads on Instagram tell me!)
Good thing I’m a mindset coach, eh? So I know better than to judge and shame myself into a blazing corner of burnout. (I think.)
That’s what’s been happening since pivoting away from my previous career path as a weight loss coach. I’ve shifted focus: I’m writing a book, I started a podcast, and I work diligently every day toward the path I’m on now, which is…what?
That’s what I’ve been trying to nail down. My niche. Yes, I’m a mindset coach who teaches that all things begin and end with kindness. Everything revolves around it…when you’re not practicing it with yourself and others, the good stuff doesn’t stay good for long.
But “Kindness Coaching” sounds…kinda dull. And naive. And, let’s be honest, trite. Not my brand.
Okay, back to admitting difficult stuff.
While I’ve been doing all of that work, I’ve been feeling kind of aimless in how to market my business. So it made sense to me to go back and look at how far I’ve come to see if maybe the answer has been right in front of me.
And you know what? It has.
The reason I stopped weight loss coaching is because it just didn’t sit right with me. “Weight loss” is such a surface issue - focusing on losing weight is, for almost everyone, like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound. To put it plainly, the reason why we struggle with weight issues has very little to do with “I just love food” and way more to do with “I just don’t like myself very much,” so it made way more sense to me to hone in on that second part. In most cases accepting your body as it is right now is vital to actually keeping weight off once you’ve lost it. (Not to mention that there’s a vast array of weight loss drugs available now, and who am I to compete with that?)
The difficult thing to admit was this: It had started quietly tapping on the eating disorder I’ve been dealing with for most of my life. Then as soon as fall came around and I started to gain a little weight back, the tapping became really f*cking loud banging. I’m dealing with it, but it also confirmed that it was the right call.
Now, the other thing is that I’ve been confused about who my clients are now without the obvious category of “I want to lose weight, help me.” Because sure, I *could* coach anyone…one of my strengths is how encouraging I am, and not in a Pollyanna bullshit way. I’m an authentic support system (a.k.a. Greatest Cheerleader Ever!) for those who choose to keep me in their energetic space.
Just ask my closest friends. Hell, ask my clients. When I tell you that you’re beautiful or vibrant or good at something or have potential, I actually mean it. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t. I truly look for and see the potential in everyone…
…wait. Not everyone. There’s one person that I can think of that I met and thought, “Yeah, nope. Not even gonna try,” but that was over 20 years ago. And funnily enough, there are quite a few along the way who’ve actively rejected my support. (Ironically, they’re the ones who needed it the most.)
Well, people do what they do. And as my future bestie Mel Robbins tells us: “Let them.” *Author’s note added 2/23/25: Yesterday I learned that the originator of “Let Them” is Cassie Phillips, who’s poem titled “Let Them” went viral a year before Mel had even begun talking about it, so going forward I’ll be attributing it to her.*
Let go of those who don’t appreciate your support and encouragement. Let go of people and situations that make you feel insecure and all over the place. The last thing any of us need to be wasting our precious energy on is chasing someone down the proverbial street, crying out “LET ME LOVE YOU!”
Back to what I was actually talking about here, which is that I’ve been spinning in circles trying to pinpoint the people who actually need my help the most. And this week I finally admitted that I’m best suited to help women who are like I was ten years ago: Struggling moms who feel completely taken for granted, misunderstood, and/or unappreciated by their partners.
So here I am, standing in the knowledge of how raw, deeply personal, and emotional this all is…knowing that my husband and I have worked through a lot to come to our current arrangement, that our communication is a thousand times better than it was, and that we’ve both grown exponentially.
And yet it still feels like a betrayal to him to focus on this particular niche.
Why? Good question.
I think it’s because when you’ve been a people-pleaser you’re entire life, it doesn’t fully go away…especially when you’re a deeply empathetic person who’s love and concern for others can often erupt like a geyser.
But feeling like I’m betraying my husband? That would be the actual worst. He’s my family, my best friend, the father of my children. The last thing I want is to hurt him in any way or make him feel unappreciated. That’s how I felt for years in our relationship, and I know how terrible it is.
I also know that he loves me and never meant to make me feel like that, even though at the time it seemed like every attempt I made to communicate how I was feeling was met with a blank stare or the vague implication that it was my responsibility to teach him how to be a supportive partner. (“Tell me what to do.” “Make me a list.”)
Well, guess what? It WAS my responsibility. We teach people how to treat us, and I didn’t do a very good job with him back then…or anyone else, for that matter.
Today is different. I choose myself and my peace over other people’s drama, and I’ve begun really valuing my energy for the absolute treasure that it is. That’s the real currency, after all…more than our time or money. Nothing is more valuable than our energy. And when you’re able to honor it by setting proper boundaries and not accepting behavior that makes you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells or wondering if someone even likes you anymore, that’s when you’re definitely getting the hang of true self-kindness.
I’ve also learned how to communicate way better than I used to. It’s not something that most of us actually learn how to do properly, is it? We’ve learned through observation, and it seems that we haven’t had the greatest examples presented to us.
Communication, especially with your partner, can feel really hard when you haven’t practiced how to do it. So here are two things that you can start practicing in order to make the process easier:
Make sure you’re in a good headspace when you communicate your needs. If you’re coming at it from a place of high stress or overwhelm, that’s when things can slip out, like “Why are you such a selfish assh*le?!?” (That’s not helpful, especially when you’re married to someone that you know isn’t actually a selfish assh*le, but his communication skills are worse than yours are.)
Practice using “I” statements. Rather than approaching your partner with “you’re not doing this” or “you’re not doing that” or “you’re not appreciating me,” a more nuanced, gentle approach can be more effective, like: “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and taken for granted,” or “I’m coming to you with this because I know you love me, and I know you want me to feel my best,” or “I’m hoping that we can come up with a few ways together to make me feel more supported.”
That way your partner is more likely to feel approached and not attacked…like you’re having a conversation, not a confrontation. Doesn’t that feel better? We’re just having a chat instead of digging in and getting ready to throw down.
Think about it like this…would you want your partner to come at you with a list of things that are wrong with you (an ex actually did that to me), or would you prefer more of a “Hey, let’s chat about something that’s been on my mind” kind of approach?
It may seem like you’re always having to be “the bigger person” or the initiator or the compromiser - maybe there’s truth to that, and that can be really frustrating and discouraging. When you take some time to quiet your mind and really think about how you want things to be in your life, though, you’ll begin to see ways in which you can approach communicating in more effective ways.
Is your partner defensive? Check in and see if your language is accusatory.
Example: Shouting, “DID YOU REALLY HAVE TO LEAVE THE TRASH OVERFLOWING THIS MORNING?!?!?” as soon as he walks through the door rather than calmly asking him, “Is there some way that I can communicate better to you in order to get you to do your part of the household chores, like taking out the trash?”
Is you partner dismissive? Check in to see if your emotions are driving the train and distracting your partner from actually hearing you. When you come out of the gate running hot, that can cause some people to shut down.
Example: When our boys were little my husband would come home from work and I would immediately start unloading on him, so it’s no wonder he wasn’t super-receptive to me. If I could go back and talk to past Dana, here’s what I would say: “Bitch, give him time to at least take off his boots, FFS.” (In my defense, I hadn’t yet crawled out from under the boulder of postpartum depression.)
Is your partner insulting, verbally abusive, or manipulative? Easy for me to say this, but now we’re in “Leave” territory. Raised voices happen, but there’s a limit.
Screaming insults at you isn’t okay. Threatening you isn’t okay. It’s not acceptable in any way to feel afraid of the person with whom you’re having an argument.
That’s not excitement or “keeping things spicy.” It’s abuse.
And let’s just say this: I know the difference. I’ve been in two long-term relationships which both resulted in marriage. The first one lasted just over nine years, and my current one is now just over twenty.
My first one was pretty much exactly like what I described in that last bullet point. My current one is the opposite. I’ve not once in twenty years felt afraid of my kids’ dad, and he’s raised his voice to me (with good reason) maybe three times in those two decades.
That’s the barometer. If you feel fear, then you’re not safe in that relationship. It doesn’t matter what the words coming out of that person’s face are. Your intuition always tells you what you need to know as long as you’re willing to go within yourself and listen to your small, still voice.
If you’ve said these words: “But he doesn’t hit me, so it’s not that bad…” That’s not true. You deserve a partner who makes you feel safe all the time, not just when they’re in a good mood.
And - this should go without saying, but I’m going to say it - any type of non-consensual physical contact is NOT OKAY. If you’re reading this and feel like you need help, here’s the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788.
Asking for help is always okay. We’re not meant to be in this life alone…it truly does take a village. It can take time and effort to find that village, but it’s well worth the effort. You’re well worth it.
On that note, thanks for reading. I really appreciate your support, and if you’ve learned something and think it’s share-worthy, please pass this along to everyone you think might get something out of it.
And if you’re ready to reconnect with who you are — regain your confidence, pursue what lights you up, and start living a life you’re excited about again without guilt or overwhelm—you can find me on my website: revolution-within.com; I’m on Instagram @revolution_within31, or you can email me at dana@revolution-within.com.