How To Stop Feeling Drained (Without Running Away From Home)

Let me ask you something…are you one of those people who really puts yourself out there for your family and friends? Who, anytime your child or partner or parent asks you to do something, drops whatever it is they’re doing and immediately runs to their aid?

Do you usually end your day with the thought, “Where did this day go and why didn’t I get anything done?” Or maybe you look around and wonder why, even though you’re hearing the rote “Please” and “Thank you,” you’re still feeling unappreciated.

Well…you’re not alone. At all. This is super relatable. And the good news is that figuring a couple of things out makes this fixable.

Anxiety. Overwhelm. Resentment. Hopelessness. These feelings are signals. Like the smoke alarm in your house that goes off when you burn toast, these are blaring noises that your brain is sending you, telling you that something requires your attention…and that the call is coming from inside the house.

Those big, scary emotions aren’t showing up to make you feel terrible, guilty, ashamed, or judged…they’re there to make you tune into yourself again.

Story time! Gather ‘round, cuties.

Every since I emerged from the safety of the womb, I’ve been very sensitive and have had pretty severe mood swings. Growing up I took every word of criticism super personally and deeply internalized every negative thing anyone ever said about me (and a few things that I thought were implied).

Spoiler alert: These are all signs of ADHD. but we’ll get to that shortly.

Fast forward 49 years. I’m sitting in an office talking to a psychologist, intent on finally getting the official autism diagnosis for my older son.  From the time he arrived, I could sense that he had a neurodivergence that proceeded to be systematically overlooked or ignored. We’d managed to get an ADHD diagnosis when he was nine, but it was still clear that the traditional approaches to this world, both socially and academically, weren’t a good fit for him.

A friend of mine recommended that I stop trying to get help from the school and go through the regional center in our county, as we’re very fortunate to have a number of great social programs available in California. 

It took a while, but just before he turned 14 my son was diagnosed with Autism. He’s classified as “high-functioning” so it’s not surprising that he flew under the radar for all of those years, but I think it’s also important for him to have more resources available that he didn’t have access to prior to his diagnosis.

So back to the doctor’s office.

While describing his parents’ genetics and mental health history, I began explaining that the ADHD may have come from me. The doctor leaned forward, gestured at my bouncing left leg and my fingers drumming on her desk and basically replied, “Duhhhh. You think?!?” (*Not an actual quote)

So while not an officially-official diagnosis, I’m taking it.

About a year earlier I’d caught an article online about undiagnosed ADHD in women and how it shows up in ways like chronic depression and anxiety. And wow…it explained SO MUCH.

But rather than my old song of “Well, OF COURSE I learn this now…why didn’t we have this information 35 years ago?!? I’m just f*cked,” I decided to process my grief over what could’ve been, release it, and start where I was right then.

That’s a mindset shift that’ll change your life right there. 

What trips us up is going back, looking at what we’ve done in the past, and lamenting, “If only I’d known then what I know now…” 

Well, you didn’t. You can’t go back and change it, and dwelling on it isn’t going to help you. In fact, it delays your growth. 

Do you know that expression, “There’s no use crying over spilled milk”? It means that once something has happened, you can’t undo it. You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. (Or the milk back in the glass.)

So that’s the point here. If you’re continually investing your precious energy into going back and ruminating on all of the ways you missed out or messed up or lost the beat in your past, you can’t very well move forward, can you?

That’s the nonsense that keeps us stuck.

I spent years thinking that I was just spoiled and ungrateful, that my brain was just broken. I’d had enough people that I loved in the past tell me how selfish, untalented, and/or ungrateful I am, and those thoughts were still stuck on a loop inside my head. 

I’d also tried “all the things” to get the depression to “go away” - natural remedies, running, yoga, mediation - which would work temporarily, but then it would come roaring back.

I didn’t yet understand that depression is a symptom of a much deeper issue, and that I was yet again trying to put bandaids on a bullet wound. I also hadn’t fully figured out that those opinions of me weren’t *actually* facts and that I could decide to just…not believe that shit anymore.

So learning that I had untreated ADHD? Instead of freaking out or being upset about falling through the cracks, I chose to be relieved that I finally had an explanation and could map out my path forward more easily. The more information, the better.

That’s not to say that I didn’t experience some grief or anger about it. The injustice of being born in the 1970s! Back when no one had any f*cking idea what they were doing, when parenting revolved around “three square meals” and not knowing (or caring that much, because finally some peace and quiet) where your kids were until after the sun went down. 

But letting those emotions linger past a certain amount of time? Nah, that ain’t it. The longer you hang on to the unfairness of it all, the longer you’ll stay miserable. 

No one said life is supposed to be fair, babe. But the best way to even the playing field is to work on your mindset, rewrite the story, and create the energy that you want…and that takes real dedication.

Which leads me to this: I also wasn’t considering that maybe I was trying too hard. Maybe I needed to stop trying to FIX IT and ask myself a couple of questions, like “Why is it here in the first place? What is this trying to teach me?”

The more you resist something, the more it comes back. Your focus makes things grow. So if you’re still fixated on the stuff you don’t want to be doing, you’re creating more energetic momentum toward it.

Think about what pattern you’re trying to break. What’s the one thing that you keep going back to over and over again? Now think about all of the things you’ve tried to make it stop or go away. How does that make you feel? Probably not great.

So if you’re frequently asking yourself, “Why does this keep happening?” here’s a reframe: “What is this trying to tell me?”

Now let me ask you this: Are you calling yourself a failure right now? Are you beating yourself up over all of the things you’ve done wrong, that you still can’t fix this problem, that “all the things” didn’t do squat? 

I get it. Working on yourself is frustrating, it’s agonizing, it’s sooooo boring. Why can’t things just *snap* CHANGE WHEN I WANT THEM TO?

Good question. Here’s why.

We’re supposed to evolve; that’s the purpose of every pattern. You’ll keep repeating it until you’ve learned everything you’re supposed to learn from it, and then you’ll level up. But railing against it with all of your feelings of drama and rage isn’t going to teach you much more than maybe a few more swear words and how efficiently you can cry yourself to sleep.

Without adversity we wouldn’t appreciate amazingness. “Every day is my birthday/Christmas morning/(insert your favorite day of the year here)” sounds incredible in theory, but if every day were that special day then that cancels out the specialness. 

Not everything is meant to be the best thing ever - how would we measure anything if everything were the same? How can we expand if we’re never challenged?

So instead of abandoning your life and hopping a flight to…I don’t know, Cabo? Somewhere you find appealing…consider this: When you’re noticing those warning signals blaring through your nervous system, take the time to center yourself. Here’s how:

• Have a seat. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths - inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth. Give it a biggggg *sighhhhhhh* on that exhale. 

• Press your feet into the floor, turn your awareness to your body, and let go of thinking for a few minutes. Just focus on your breathing.

• Repeat that until you feel yourself relax. It’s a very basic grounding exercise that’ll give you some relief (if you let it).

Now, personally I’m a big advocate of meditation. To me it feels like peeling off Spanx but for my brain instead…like I’m letting my mind out of it’s girdle, so to speak. (Ahhhhh, let thy grey matter spilleth over.) 

Since I (allegedly) have ADHD, my brain races alllll the time. So being able to release all of that noise and just exist without trying to fix or create or manage or correct (or or or) something is absolute bliss. 

However, it took me a lot of practice to get that down as my thoughts still tend to barrel through like a toddler impersonating the Kool-Aid man. 

But I’ll tell you this: That practice has paid off. Over the past year and a half that I’ve been meditating regularly, the improvement I’ve seen in managing those overwhelming emotions is…I have no words, honestly.

So if that grounding exercise seems too basic, feel free to start a mediation practice. Even a few minutes a day is enough, and there are a million free resources for it on YouTube. If you reach out to me I’ll recommend my favorites.

That’s my contribution to the Universe this week, friends. If you’re enjoying my articles, please subscribe to my Substack…you can also listen to my podcast (The Revolution Within Podcast with Dana), check out my Instagram @revolution_within31, or head to my website at revolution-within.com. Thanks for reading; I hope you’ve found this helpful. 

Take care and remember - all will be well. ✨