Here’s the basic transcript from Episode 8 of my podcast, The Revolution Within Podcast with Dana. If you’d like to listen to it, you can find it on the Home page or access it here: Episode 8 - The Secret To A Happier Life

Hi hi there everybody, thanks for being here with me today. 

I’m Dana and you’re listening to The Revolution Within Podcast. Here is where you’re learning how to revolutionize your relationship within yourself. 

And how are we doing that? We are getting unstuck! We’re practicing self-kindness, unlearning people pleasing and discovering what we want to do for ourselves rather than what other people want us to do for them.

Let me tell you how you can find more information about working with me and how to get on the waitlist for upcoming courses and all of the things: My website is revolution-within.com, I’m on Instagram @revolution_within31, and you can email me at dana@revolution-within.com. 

Okay, so…if you’re new to the podcast, let me welcome you. Welcome! My name is Dana Walker Inskeep, and I’m a life coach who specializes in mindset shifts by teaching people how to be profoundly kind to themselves because from there all profound changes can happen.

I’m also an editor, songwriter, and soon-to-be author - my book is almost finished and I’ll be self-publishing that. I’m going to be releasing chapters on my Substack soon, so if you’d like a sneak peek, you’ll want to follow me there on Substack at revolutionwithin31. 

I’m here to guide people toward healing: To have better relationships with themselves through mindset shifts, journaling, mediation, etc. which then flows out into their relationships with everyone else. 

When you practice self-kindness, the ripple effect begins where you become super-aware of how you’ve been allowing other people to take advantage of you and your time and energy, and you start re-evaluating who/what you want to invest your bandwidth in. 

It becomes: “Who’s worth my time?” rather than, “Who can I help in order to earn the title of ‘a good person’?”

And no, that’s not selfish. That’s TRUE self-kindness. That’s what self-care REALLY looks like. Although bubble baths, massages, facials, etc. “treat yourself” mentality is lovely and much-needed in the self-care milieu, actual self-care is knowing your own value and prioritizing your needs and leaving room for your wants and desires in there, too… above all others. 

Now obviously that’s not always fully possible when you’re a caretaker for children, elderly, or infirm people…but in those instances it’s even more crucial to locate your inner self-care fairy and wave her wand about the place. Because if you neglect your needs for long enough, you end up collapsing and not being able to take care of anyone.

Today I’m going to talk about the secret to happiness, which if you’ve ever heard me talk before you’ll know isn’t really much of a secret because it’s rooted in a mindful, intentional practice of self-kindness. 

And happiness is a feeling - not a destination or a constant state of being - and feelings change. They fluctuate. They’re not meant to remain static. That’s part of being human. So thinking of “the secret to happiness” as this magical 3 step process that *Bling!* you can follow this and then you’ll feel happy forever! That’s not a thing.

What I’m talking about is finding that overall sense of satisfaction with the life you’re living. We can all have days where we’re sad, mad, frustrated, and don’t really have a definitive answer as to why…but those feelings don’t actually have to be your default setting. You can practice things that bring you to a happier, more content state more often. 

I’m not dismissing things like depression or grief. Believe me, I of all people can relate to both. I won’t launch into my entire history in every episode because who cares, but I have a long history of depression, I experienced severe postpartum depression after the births of my sons, and my mom died nine years ago. Along with losing other close friends and family members in one way shape or form and having my heart broken more times than I care to recall, I’m familiar with the spiral.

I know that feelings can be overwhelming and downright oppressive sometimes. Just know that everyone wants to escape bad feelings sometimes. It’s not just you.

But this secret that I’m talking about - it’s been studied! By actual scientists! For over 80 years! Because it’s kind of always been a thing. I mean, let’s face it…what we all want is to be happy, right? 

Ask anyone on the street this question: “What do you want more than anything?” The answer will almost always be: “I want to be happy.” (Or “I want to be filthy rich,” but we’ll get to that later.)

Wait…let me back up and start from the beginning.

There’s a study that’s been conducted by Harvard University since 1938 called The Harvard Study of Adult Development. This study started out with 268 Harvard sophomores in The Great Depression (and included the 35th US President, JFK) and is still following the remaining living participants and the descendants of the original ones to this day.

The idea behind the study was to figure out how one’s early years affect the trajectory of their lives, how well or poorly they age, etc. Genetics and environment are also taken into account, but considering the original control group were all white male students from the most prestigious Ivy League school in America at the time, I’d say that they were dealt a pretty advantageous hand from the get go.

The control group was then expanded beyond Harvard students to a group of 456 Bostonians residing in the inner-city areas in the 1970s, but I’m not going to delve into those specifics as that’s not the point here.

My point is this: The overwhelming evidence of this study - which is the longest and most comprehensive of its kind - is that maintaining healthy, nurturing relationships have just as much, if not more, of an effect on our overall health than the usual suspects like diet, exercise, or financial security.

Relationships. Not eating kale or running 20 miles a week like its your religion. Not wealth, status, or fame. 

Loving family, partnerships, friendships, and community.

Hmmmm. Interesting. 

But wait! There’s more.

In 1998 Dr. Martin Seligman became the President of the American Psychological Association. He’d grown weary of the psychology field having a fixation on the negative aspects of human behavior, the study of mental illnesses and, in general, being a colossal bummer.

So ol’ Marty turned that frown upside down by making it his mission to shift toward studying the uplifting aspects of being human, thus popularizing Positive Psychology.

By the early 2000s, interest in the science of mental and emotional well-being began to pick up steam while simultaneously this new discovery called “the internet” inadvertently began languidly creeping us toward societal social isolation. 

That…didn’t seem to bode well for developing strong relationship bonds, did it?

Then…a global pandemic. Whoops!

And here we are, five years later. What’s the latest research telling us?

Well…it’s (still) showing that people who socially isolate themselves, people who work really long hours and never take vacations, and people who surround themselves with a lot of negative influences actually feel miserable most of the time even if they make a crap ton of money. 

Who knew? (Like I said, scientists.)

So why is that? 

Things like not actively interacting with people, not having a good work/life balance, and hyper-focusing on just “making money at all costs” alters our brains’ levels of dopamine and serotonin, which are crucial for mood regulation; this in turn affects our stress response and can lead to depression. 

Last summer I took this rad class called The Science of Well-Being taught by Yale Professor, Dr. Laurie Santos. 

No, I don’t go to Yale, I took it online through Coursera.com.

Dr. Santos’ class is really enlightening, though, because it shows how the correlation to the accumulation of wealth is directly proportional to the decrease in satisfaction with our lives. 

*Side note - she offers it for free, she’s an excellent teacher, and the class is really fun and interesting. I think it should be required for everyone with a pulse, but that’s just my opinion. Moving on.*

The emphasis on “stuff” - acquiring fancier cars, bigger homes, etc. - ends up being meaningless to actually feeling happy beyond a certain point. Once our basic needs are met and we no longer have money concerns, the accumulation of wealth can be a slippery slope.

A study done in 2010 had that “basic needs, no money worries” number at making $75,000 a year, but I think we can all agree how ridiculous that is in today’s economy. Let’s guess that it levels off at around anywhere between $150,000-300,000 a year, depending on where you live. 

I love in Southern California, so my guess is that it’s gonna be closer to the higher range.

That course also taught me that, at some point, the desire for wanting “more” can take over and become obsessive. So enjoying that wealth isn’t a priority or even a possibility…the only focus is MORE.

Isn’t that sad? It made me understand the possible mindset (I say possible since I don’t know them all personally, so who can be certain?) of one of the non-charitable, seemingly ruthless and greedy billionaires a bit more clearly and have…not compassion, per se, but certainly clarity. 

Yes, having that much money makes a person wildly powerful, sure…but can you imagine having all of that and yet never feeling a bit of real satisfaction, happiness, or contentment?

What the evidence overwhelmingly shows is this: Traveling, spending time with, and creating memories with the people you love is far more valuable than any material item is over the long haul.

Basically, your stuff can’t love you back.

Let’s also consider that how you feel physically in your body and how well you manage your mind - your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors - are the roots from which all things grow. 

Your physical and mental wellness are the greatest determinants of your feelings of happiness and contentment, and these depend solely on your relationship with yourself.

THAT RELATIONSHIP! That’s the crucial one right there!

Of all of these relationships, the KEY one is the one you have with YOU.

I mean, think about it logically for a moment: If you’re not taking care of yourself…if you’re not nurturing your relationship with yourself…then how will you be able to have healthy, thriving relationships with others?

So what’s the shortcut to getting to that happy place? 

There is no shortcut. But like I've said before, there are things that we can put into practice that can help elevate our moods or give little hits to our pleasure centers/dopamine levels without screens, overeating, overspending, over drinking, etc,

Since we live in a society that is so ever-focused on buying stuff to make us happy then in ten minutes when that gets old buying more stuff…what can we do instead?

Because I know that there are times when you’re just having a bad day, are feeling a little bummed out, and aren’t looking to dive into some deep, soulful quest to find the meaning of life. So when you’d simply like to find something to lift your spirits or make you smile, here are a few suggestions:

1. Glimmers - Find beauty in the ordinary things. Glimmers are moments when you immerse yourself in the present moment. Example: When you’re sitting with your morning cup of coffee, take that time to really savor it. Inhale the aroma; sip it and let the flavor linger on your tongue; really enjoy it. Other examples: Appreciating the colors of the morning sky, the evening sunset, your neighbor’s rose bushes. Anything that engages your senses, really - music you love, a scent that makes you feel good. You get the idea.

2. Gratitude - If there’s anything about the so-called “ordinary” life that’s appealing, I’d say it’d be just simply leaning into gratitude for those you love most. Example: Holding your children in your arms, burying your face against the swirls of their hair, and inhaling their sweet scent. Or maybe cuddling with your pet. Is there anything more precious?

3. Grounding - This is a technique that’s effective when you’re having a panic attack and also works well for when you’re feeling out of sorts. Grounding yourself to the earth: Stand up. Relax your arms by your sides. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and press your feet into the ground. Exhale and visualize roots growing from your feet into the earth. Take a few more deep breaths, inhaling through your nose and exhaling through your mouth, while you visualize your energy connecting with the loving energy of the earth.

That last one might be a bit woo-woo-granola for some of you, but it works. Energy exchange is a real thing…how do you think your Wi-Fi connection happens?

Alright, let’s tie this all together, shall we?

I’m aware that financial survival is a day-to-day struggle for a lot of people, so I’m not dismissing the importance of earning a living or supporting our families and ourselves. But when you get to the end of your life - and none of us know when that day is - do you want to look back and see only the struggle? Or do you want to see the life you lived in the joyful faces and bittersweet memories that you have with the people you lived it with?

When you decide to prioritize and practice self-kindness over everything else, you’re improving that primary relationship - the one that every other one grows from - and giving yourself an incredible gift of more happiness.

So that’s my latest contribution to the podcast stratosphere, beautiful dreamers. If you have any comments or questions, there’s an option in the show description to text me with your thoughts so please…feel free. If you’re watching this on YouTube, feel free to leave a comment below, but play nicely: The Universe is always paying attention, and trolling isn’t rewarded in the way you think it might be.

Also, it really helps the show to leave a good review (hopefully you like it enough to leave a 5 star one) and share it with everyone you know. Thanks, and I’ll talk to you next time. Take care and remember - all will be well.