The F*ckery That’s Afoot Called Comfortable Misery
Fear. It’s the crux of so many of our struggles as humans. I was listening to a replay of a live coaching session today and this concept leapt out at me, so here I am at my trusty ol’ laptop writing again.
On this call my mentor Corrine Crabtree (creator of the legendary No BS Weight Loss program) was coaching one of her program members. She talked about the concept of fear and uncertainty being the thing holding this particular lady back from moving forward in her weight loss. I hear about this a lot, actually. Some women will lose a good chunk of their weight and then kind of “freeze.”
It’s something I’m rather familiar with myself, if we care to parse out the last three decades of my own life (but let’s not go down that particular road right now). In that state of freezing, weight either fluctuates within 3-5 pounds for months or the number on the scale starts to climb again.
And our brains sound something like this: “FUUUUUCCKKKKK!!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?!?!”
Answer: FEAR AND UNCERTAINTY!!
WTF, Dana?!? Stop talking about fear, you’re scaring me!!
Relax, beauties. Let’s just take a moment to turn this over and look underneath it, shall we? So…what are we so g*dd*mn afraid of in this life that our weight keeps wigging out all the time? Could be anything, really. Change is uncomfortable. You don’t like getting attention. Maybe you have to decide whether or not to leave an emotionally abusive relationship because you’re choosing to nurture yourself in a way you didn’t believe you deserved as your former plus-sized self. (There’s A LOT of you out there.) Insert yours here.
Through my own coaching I’ve discovered that mine has mostly revolved around the fear of failing yet again. I’ve taken lots of risks in my life and before I became a coach, I tended to think of everything I’ve accomplished as either a failure or unfinished. Failed at continuing my education past a bachelors degree. Failed at my first marriage. Failed at becoming a professional songwriter/composer. Failed at maintaining weight loss the five or six times I got within ten pounds of my goal weight. Unfinished projects I’ve just started, unfinished books I’ve mostly written, unfinished songs I’ve half-composed.
Learning, figuring out, and practicing the concept that my thoughts create my reality made ALL the fucking difference. And I’m not talking about The Law Of Attraction, aka that philosophy that was cleverly repackaged and resold as “The Secret” in the early 2000s. The incredibly naive, implied, and way-oversimplified breakdown of that law is that if you really believe something hard enough, it’ll show up on your doorstep. But wishing on a star ain’t it, kiddos.
To *actually* change things in our lives, we first have to really look at what we believe about ourselves and begin to chip away at our shame and self-judgment. We also have to acknowledge the fear that holds us back. We need to welcome it into the room and give it a seat at our table. It’s okay that it’s there, I promise you. Everyone has fear and uncertainty inside of them. Every single human on this planet. Fear is what drives us to survive, but it’s also what keeps us in a state of what I’ve been calling “comfortable misery” since about 1997.
So that’s something to think about. Covering up your scaries with toxic positivity or Polyanna bullshit doesn’t work in the long term. You are allowed to actually feel your feelings. You don’t need to cover your body with extra weight anymore to armor yourself from the outside world. You are figuring out what you need to take care of yourself the way you deserve. You are practicing different things to learn how to trust yourself again.
Tell your fear that. You can also tell it that it’s welcome to come back at any time, because you’re figuring out how to allow it to exist next to the badass version of yourself that you’re becoming.
I’ll wrap it up with an amazing Corrine quote from that podcast: “Even with a great reason [to lose weight] your needs are still important.” And needing to embrace your fears rather than continuing to resist them is crucial for permanent weight loss.
As always, I’m here to help you work through the fear and uncertainty so you can leave your comfortable misery in the dust.
Love and hugs,
Dana