Depression: It’s Real, and It’s Spectacular(ly horrifying)
This week I thought I’d reveal something about myself that is deeply personal and has been difficult to manage over the years…hell, it was even difficult for me to admit to having…Depression.
TRIGGER WARNING: I’ll be referring to an attempt (in my teens) and thoughts of (in my adulthood) the act of ending one’s life. I’m substituting the usual word used with the word “skateboarding.”
ALSO — NOTE NOTE NOTE — I like to bring levity to very intense subject matter. It’s part of my brand. Having said that — I’m well aware that nothing about this is actually funny. Email me all you want; I’m going to keep writing the way I do.
For a little over a year, I’ve been concentrating on improving my mindset. I’ve really been steadily working on it since the blessed event that was the end of my first marriage 23 years ago; however, following the coaching of Corrine Crabtree (No BS Weightloss Program) and Brooke Castillo (The Life Coach School) has really kicked it up several notches. As I’ve been losing weight for the LAST DAMN TIME (can I get a hallelujah), I’ve also been practicing reworking those last-gasp negative thoughts that are still holding on. These mostly revolve around my default thinking from my early years. (Example: If I make a mistake, I’m worthless, so who cares about taking care of myself.) And man, just when I think I’ve fixed it for good those thoughts just come creeping back in along with a hefty dose of hopelessness and worthlessness and a strong pull toward getting in bed and never getting out of it again.
That’s what depression can be. It can present in different ways in different people; for me it’s been a very dark place in my mind where, if I end up there, it takes the jaws of life to pull me out. Not that anyone would really know how bad it is, since I rehearsed the character of “Dana As A Normal, Functioning Mom” so much that I’m an absolute master at it. I spent decades even before having children honing that skill — that “Act Like a Normal Person” skill. And I did so for my own survival as much as for the survival of others around me. But it’s really f*cking exhausting, and the only people who have really experienced how bad it can be are my starter husband, my ex-roommate, and my real husband. (I do still shield my children from the very worst of it since they’re still relatively young, but they are aware of my mental illness.)
Why spend so much energy pretending to not be depressed? Well, I’ll tell you. Up until fairly recently, I didn’t have the luxury of presenting my depression to other people. Whenever I would, the people around me would do the following:
Yell terrible things at me
Give me a list of the things I should fix about myself in order to be acceptable
Refer to me as “Drama” or “Brat” behind my back (sometimes to my face)
Tell me to get over it
Tell loads of people how awful I am to be around
Ignore me
Now I didn’t make that list to call out anyone or make anyone feel bad. Everyone deals with neurodivergent behavior in their own way, and absolutely NO ONE had any idea how to handle that shit when I was growing up. Then as a young adult, I went on to surround myself with people who would tell me all of the things they thought were wrong with me. People would “support” me by telling me I wasn’t good at the things I loved to do, like writing or singing, because they didn’t want me to waste my time pursuing a pipe dream that would only end up hurting me in the end. I’m sure you have had these people in your life, too. (I don’t gravitate towards those people anymore, thank the Sequoia National Forest, aka heaven on earth.)
Even my own mother, who was my anchor and supported me to the moon and loved me the same amount I love my own children (which is beyond imagination) would handle me with phrases like:
“What do you have to be sad about? You have a beautiful family, a husband who loves you, and the ability to be a stay-at-home-mom just like you wanted. Your life is basically perfect.”
“Just make yourself happy. Think happy thoughts.”
“Get over it. The boys need you.”
While this was all well-intentioned, what I could never quite get her to understand while she was still alive was this…I didn’t CHOOSE to feel hopeless and worthless. I didn’t fill out a personality form and check the boxes “Major Depressive Disorder,” “Bulimia,” and “Undiagnosed ADHD.” NO ONE WANTS TO BE DEPRESSED. It’s not indulgent behavior; it’s a mental illness that requires treatment. But after my sons were born, PPD (postpartum depression) arrived, and I began having thoughts of skateboarding, I stubbornly thought I could fix it on my own. I white-knuckled my way through weighing and measuring everything I consumed for a few years and lost 70 pounds. I began training for trail running events and within a year I was running 20 miles a week. I was trying every over-the-counter herb in existence. And everything I did worked! Temporarily. Anywhere from a few weeks to a few months…I even got lucky with sam-E and that worked for about 8–10 months until I was maxed out on the dosage and started getting stomach pains. It was then that I saw a doctor and was prescribed an anti-depressant. The first one I tried had the interesting effect of making me actually unable to form the skateboarding thoughts, which was trippy. The other unfortunate effect it had, though, was that it dulled my emotions to the point where I pretty much felt nothing. It took some more time to get it right, and I had a decent balance for several years. But I’m currently going through the rerouting to new meds because my age, the long-term waning effectiveness, and discovering that I probably have ADHD have led to it.
Depression seems to be something that runs through my family as well, and it’s something that presents early. Looking back at my youth I traced it’s first appearance to when I hit puberty. (If I’d been diagnosed with ADHD at 13, which I had every single sign of, things would’ve turned out very differently. But we can’t change the past, and wasting energy on regret ISN’T part of my brand. So. Moving on.) And when I was experiencing PPD in 2011–2013 I even had a recovered memory of when I tried to skateboard in high school. I was 16ish and used a sharp pair of scissors to slice up my arms a bit. (I was cutting before cutting was cool. See? Levity.) I didn’t tell anyone but my brother and he promised not to tell anyone. He might not even remember. I mean, it was all just Dana being Drama. A way to get attention, not a cry for help.
BUT — AGAIN — THIS IS IMPORTANT — I am not pointing this out to blame or shame anyone. This is to point out that no one really knows how to deal with the extreme mood swings and incredibly negative thoughts that come along with depression, and most people really don’t want to deal with you when you have it. They dismiss you as overly emotional, too dramatic, and too difficult to be around. So eventually a person might do what I did and stuff it down with food (and then force it back up again), and learn to pretend to be normal so that society doesn’t reject you. Or a person might do what a beloved family member did at age 39 and another one did at 54. Skateboarding can seem like the only way out of the pain you’re in when the thoughts in your head tell you that no one wants to know what you’re experiencing. Or when you believe that no one would care if they did know.
The light peeking over the edge of the rabbit hole is this: In the past year I have come to understand the secret to a more peaceful mind is knowing that the only person you truly need to support you is yourself. Once you really grasp and internalize that, everything shifts.
Let me type that again — The only person that you truly need to support you is YOU. Supporting yourself is VITAL. Believing in your own worth is EVERYTHING. When you fully believe in your own capacity to learn and grow and change while dropping the idea that you have to be perfect at everything all the time or you’re an abject-piece-of-shit-failure, everything will slowly begin to change. You will actually notice it happening. You will see things from a slightly different perspective. You will no longer constantly berate yourself for every mistake you make. You will begin to make decisions that benefit you. You will find that people who don’t support you will exit your life all on their own. You will find that the people that surround you now are the ones you’ve chosen, not the ones that arrived there by default or circumstance. And that’s pretty f*cking empowering.
I shared this in the hopes that those who need to read it find it. Please know that you are not alone. YOU ARE WORTHY of this life and every wonderful, amazing, disappointing, frustrating, devastating, exhilarating, boring, and blissfully ordinary thing it has to offer. And you CAN change the negative spiral of thoughts if you want to. It is possible, and I’m here to help. Just email me at dana@revolution-within.com.
Love and hugs,
Dana