Compliments and Confidence
Yesterday I was pondering the correlation between compliments and confidence while “cleaning” my kitchen (cleaning = moving smallish piles of stuff from one area of my house to another). I had recently read a post where a woman was feeling jealous of her co-worker/friend. She and her friend have both been losing weight and achieving similar results, but only her friend has been getting compliments from others in the workplace. She also expressed that her friend is able to talk about her accomplishment and give herself praise for it while she’s not able to do that herself. And that made me sad, because here’s a woman who’s done this incredible thing - losing weight takes real effort, and BRAVO to her! - but she’s too caught up in feeling jealous of someone else to appreciate what she’s done for herself. She mentioned that she doesn’t want to be considered “full of herself,” but then in the same set of keystrokes she admires how her friend is able to give herself the kudos she deserves. The irony of that is a bit painful.
ATTENTION: Being confident is not the same as being arrogant or boastful. Arrogance is thinking you’re better than everyone else, and boasting is just deep-seated insecurity disguised as superiority. Confidence is knowing what you have to offer the world is worthwhile, unique, and amazing, while also knowing that we are all equal in that respect…we all have greatness in us. We just have to believe in ourselves enough to really tap into that greatness.
Has anyone else noticed that when someone compliments us, we tend to dismiss it? How many times has someone said, “You look great!” and your response was, “Oh, I still have X amount of pounds to lose” or “Ugh, I barely slept last night” instead of…oh, I don’t know…“Thank you”?
Can we all just collectively start accepting compliments? Can we start telling ourselves a different story so that we can believe the nice things people say to us? Do you know how rare it is for someone to go out of their way to say something nice to you?!? How many times does THAT happen? And then you just shut it down? C’mon now. (I may be talking directly to my past self here.)
These days I get complimented often. And I’m honestly not sure if it’s because I’ve practiced having thoughts that increased my self-confidence for so long that I have it now and people notice that, or if it’s because I’m actually HEARING them now instead of immediately arguing against them.
And yeah, I’m openly admitting that I’m a confident person. In public! On the INTERNET! Alert the trolls to take me down a few pegs! (Please do, by all means. I have practiced managing my mind around terrible things being said to me - mostly to me BY me - for a long time now. It’ll be interesting to learn how well that holds up.)
What my tangential rambling mind is trying to convey here is this: confidence isn’t some genetic, pie-in-the-sky unattainable thing like most people think it is. It takes consistent practice over time, just like anything else. If you want to learn how to play the piano, you ain’t gonna be playing Chopin’s Nocturnes after a month.
If you want to stop overeating and have a normal relationship with your favorite foods, you need to 1) learn how to do that in a way that works for you, 2) practice what you learn and tweak as you go, and 3) know that you will fuck up and not be perfect and you’ll still overeat sometimes and that it’s OKAY. You are figuring shit out. You will mess up. But as long as you put in the work and DO NOT quit on yourself, you will get there. And no one else can do it for you. I can give you a very clear, simple plan on how to make these changes for yourself, but you’re the one that has to believe in your own capability enough to start.
It only takes a tiny bit of belief. And I’m here for you when you find it.
Love & hugs,
Dana