Well, well…this is a great question, isn’t it?

I could start by talking about how incredibly overwhelmed women have become with taking care of absolutely everything and getting very little support. 

Not to worry…I am also aware that many men feel overwhelmed and unsupported as well, and I will cover that further as you read on.

Here’s the thing. Why aren’t we supporting each other? Why are we turning against each other in our relationships, pointing fingers at each other, and crying out, “You’re not helping me?” “Well, you’re not helping me either?”

What can we do about this? 

We can start by assessing our relationships. 

Have you ever done this? No?

Cool. Let’s do it now.

Let’s start with your primary relationship. That’s the one with yourself.

Ah-HA! You thought I was gonna say your spouse, didn’t you? 

Nope! We start with ourselves. Because your relationship with yourself is what everything hinges on, my friend.

I mean, think about it. Your spouse might not even realize that you’re in a terrible relationship because you two have stopped communicating with each other. 

Your partner might think that your relationship is great! And that could be because you have taken on all of the things and all of the responsibilities like a martyr (which is exactly what I used to do, by the way).

And then you think everything is on you, that you have to do everything! You have to take care of everything! Because your spouse or your partner or your children “Just don’t do anything!!”

So let’s go back to your relationship with yourself. 

Have you ever asked for help?

Really think about this for a minute.

I can only speak from my own experience, and maybe you can relate. I spent years repeating the same patterns over and over again of taking care of my husband, taking care of my sons, doing “everything” myself while grumbling about it and never really asking for help.

I believed that it was my responsibility to keep the house clean and raise the kids and work my job and do all of the things, and not make time or even have the energy to take care of myself because I thought, “They’re more important than I am because they’re my family.”

This created resentment. A shit ton of it.

And that belief is complete horseshit, by the way. More on that in a minute.

For years I went about asking my husband for help (or so I thought), while he wasn’t really hearing me (and I thought he was choosing to ignore me).

Here’s the thing. We had never learned how to communicate with each other.

So I would let it all build up to the point where I would finally explode, and he would get upset and turtle up. 

Because I was so busy trying to make everything easier for him so that he would, I don’t know, not leave?

This busyness created all of this resentment, and therefore this wall was built between us. A wall of problems.

He and I have recently learned to work together and not against each other. 

And we work on it constantly. Because we still repeat patterns. It takes a LONG time to break patterns developed over a 17-year-long marriage. It requires a lot of practice, continued communication, and continued growth - both individually and together.

Now we try to come at problems in our relationship together, side by side, instead of having those problems between us.

But getting there begins with you and your relationship with yourself. If you do not prioritize your own wellness, mental and physical, you will not be able to ask for the support you need. You simply will not be able to do it.

Why?

Because you spend your mental energy telling yourself that you have to do all of these things - that it is your job to do all of these things or that everyone around you is lazy and entitled or whatever you’ve been telling yourself - and you will continue to stay in overwhelm and built resentment.

NOTE: I’m about to generalize because I am a woman, I’m writing this from my perspective, and I’m trying to help other humans that have been stuck in this shit the way that I was for years. So please excuse the generalization. If you’re a man or non-binary person and this resonates with you, awesome! I don’t care what gender you are, and I encourage you to identify however you prefer.

The reason women do this is because we are conditioned to believe that everything is on us, including the behavior of those around us. 

How many times have you decided that someone’s bad mood is because of something you did even though you have no idea what it could be, but instead of asking you just ruminate on it and let it make you feel bad? (I can’t even count that high, personally.)

We are conditioned to believe that we are the responsible ones; that it is our purpose to make sure that men (or our partners, our children, etc.) are taken care of, made happy, and kept happy so that they don’t abandon us.

We have also been conditioned to take on the responsibility for any abuse we experience. (Like when a victim of rape is asked what she was wearing.)

Often we think that they will leave us because we’re overweight or depressed or both, even with zero evidence.

But the actual reason why they might end up leaving us is because 1) we are miserable people or because 2) they are miserable people. 

Let me take that again.

If your partner tells you he’s leaving you “because you’re fat,” it’s not because you’re fat. It is because he’s a miserable piece of shit who wants to blame you for his lack of emotional growth or maturity.

The extraordinary Mel Robbins has coined a popular phrase: “Let them.”

I love this because 1) I’m obsessed with her and will make her my bestie someday, and 2) it takes the burden off of you and places it squarely on the person that you have zero control over. 

So if your husband decides to leave you because he says you’re the problem,  you’re fat, you’re lazy, you’re emotionally wrecked, whatever…FUCKING LET HIM. You will be okay eventually as long as you decide to be. 

And yes, you get to decide. 

My first husband left me because he said I was the source of all the problems in our relationship. It devastated me. 

It was also truly the best thing to ever happen in my life to date because I was able to see in hindsight how emotionally abusive our relationship was.

I’m not gonna talk at length about the level of emotional abuse that he rained down upon my delicate flower of a heart. I own my responsibility for that emotional abuse. 

I’m not justifying it at all, but his shit was his shit and it wasn’t my responsibility; it was his. And I allowed his shit to dictate my mood, my happiness, my choices for nine years. THAT was MY responsibility.

YOUR responsibility is to yourself and to your shit.

So if you’re blaming your current circumstances on you having to do everything for everyone else…well, you need to take a good hard look at that for a minute. And you need to decide these things: 

1. Do I even know what I truly need in order to take the temperature down on the overwhelm?

2. If so, have I tried to communicate my needs with my partner/child/parent/insert relationship type here without judgment or blame?

That’s where you start. 

And learning how to heal your relationship with yourself is CRUCIAL to getting your weight and your depression under control for good.

Let me know your answers…it’s important to get clear on this. And I can help. Email me at dana@revolution-within.com and we can schedule a consultation call.

All will be well,

Dana